Being Sheep

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep."John 10:14-15

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


Lately I've started many posts, but never finish them; I just feel like I can't get everything into words. Some days are super hard and depressing, some are full of hope and excitement at the new progress he's made. Most are a mix of the two. So here are some of my miscellaneous thoughts: 

Inexact quote from the therapist today, who is the director at the center we're going to: "I remember just how bad he was [meaning attachment/sensory-wise, not bad as in naughty] when he first came for the evaluation. I felt awful asking you guys to drive so far for therapy, but I didn't think you could get the services he needed anywhere else. I even insisted that he mostly see only me, and I never do that." 

We had a meltdown Monday morning that lasted for 90 minutes. It sucked. But a year ago we were having meltdowns almost every day that could last for three or more hours. That really sucked. So this is better. :) 

It's been really hard to watch Nathan with other kids his age. As he gets older, it seems the gap only gets bigger. For example, while other kids will run, jump, play, have fun at a fast food play place, Nathan stands back and watches, occasionally venturing a few feet into the tunnel, then running back out again. 

At church on Sunday, a lady noticed a cross necklace he was wearing. She commented on it and reached out toward him. He didn't run away or scream, he just said, "Don't touch it!" He used his words. He used words when he felt threatened. That's HUGE!!!

A few more inexact quote from the therapist: "They always take it out on the moms. In their eyes, it's always the mom's fault, no matter what. In all my years of practice, I've only had one child who was mad at his dad. Everybody's mad at their moms, even if what they're mad about took place before their mom was ever in the picture." 

"And that would be the reactive part of reactive attachment disorder you're seeing." 

"He's three and a half. Most two year olds would be on that crazy cart (a sort of bike where you use your arms to push you around) and going all over the place. He's afraid to put his feet on the footrest. He doesn't really know where his body is in space. I hadn't realized just how bad that was until now." (That one is from today.)

So, we continue the therapy. We continue to see progress, though sometimes it is slow. We take a few steps forward, then a few more back. Nathan realizes something is helping him, then decides to hate whatever that is. We try to trick him into doing activities, because if he thinks it's my idea it won't happen at all. 

Many people have said how great it is that we're willing to do so much for Nathan, but honestly I feel like we don't have any choice in the matter. It's either give him the help he needs or watch him get worse and worse. And that second option is not really an option at all. 

I love this boy with all my heart. He can fight, he can kick, he can scream, he can break things--but no matter how hard he tries, I can't and won't stop loving him like crazy. So bring it, baby boy. Game on.