Being Sheep

Tough Times

2012-01-18T13:53:00.000-08:00

He screamed all day. He screamed because he wanted something. He screamed because I gave him what he asked for. He screamed because he didn't like his lunch, he didn't want to take a nap, he didn't want to wake up from his nap. He didn't want to play with toys, or read a book, or play in the basement with his brothers. He just screamed.

He kicked and flailed and smacked my face a few times. He told me his list of people that he wanted to hit.

"I want to hit Mommy. I want to hit Daddy. I want to hit...." (Yeah, he's two.)

He screamed some more. I cried. I turned the TV on in desperation an hour before my hubby was supposed to be home and he calmed long enough for me to calm myself. All in all he spent a good 3+ hours of the day just screaming in my arms.

Then Daddy came home and he flipped the happiness switch on. He was happy to see Daddy! Everything was great! Dinner was great! Playing was great! Toys were great! He laughed and made funny faces and entertained everyone!

I hate attachment disorders.

Pro-Life or Anti-Abortion?

2012-01-17T12:06:00.000-08:00

I don't care how you vote. I don't care what your feelings on Planned Parenthood are. Holding up signs or shouting at pregnant women as they walk into a clinic won't convince me either. Your opinion on sex education? Nope. How many times you've watched the video 180 done by Ray Comfort? Still no.

None of those will convince me that you are "Pro-Life".

Do you care about kids that are already born? Are you doing anything to help the 147 MILLION orphans throughout the world? Are you helping any of the nearly 500,000 kids in the foster care system in the United States? Perhaps considering adopting one of the 100,000 kids available for adoption right now in the US? Maybe you can't adopt, but are supporting a family who is?

Maybe you volunteer at your local soup kitchen, or give out Christmas presents to needy families. Maybe you're sponsoring children in a foreign country who would otherwise have no access to eduction or medical care.

Doing any of those makes you Pro-Life.

Being anti-abortion does not make you pro-life.

Keeping it Real

2011-11-16T09:32:00.000-08:00

Just to keep it all real here, we still sometimes have days like today. Days where the screaming starts and doesn't stop. It's not about anything in particular, it's about everything. And Mama wants to tear her hair out, cancel school for the day, and hide in her bedroom during nap time. She won't, but she wants to.

But tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day. And now it is nap time.

It's Happening

2011-11-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

It's happening. It has taken a long time for this tiny bud to grow and begin to blossom, but it's blossoming. And I am blessed to have a front-row seat.

During they day at my house you will still hear lots of screaming. Many toddler tears are shed. But there's a difference now. The screaming can often be calmed by a mom or dad saying, "Oh, we don't scream. Use nice words!" or "No fits! Let's use our words."

Throughout the day you will hear many requests of, "Mommy! Need cuddle!" and he will press his head into my neck and cuddle for a few moments.

Many of his little stuffed animals "cry" through the day too, and N will bring them to me. "Lion is crying!" "He's crying? Oh no, Mommy better hug him!" And N is satisfied that his animal is in safe hands.

When he gets hurt he runs into our arms for hugs and kisses.

He's learning that Mom and Dad are safe. That Mom and Dad equal comfort. And it's an amazing thing to watch.

Though the past seventeen months have been some of the most difficult months of my life, I wouldn't trade them for anything. Because this little boy calls me Mommy. And that is an amazing gift from God.

Who is My Neighbor?

2011-11-06T18:46:00.000-08:00

When a beautiful orphaned child from Africa finds a loving family through international adoption, does God say, "Well, I guess I'm a little happy. But I wish that they would have adopted an American child--you know, they ought to take care of their own first!"??

That's not the God I serve. The God I serve sets the lonely in families. (Psalm 86:6)

The God I serve says that true, pure, faultless religion that he accepts is "to look after orphans and widows in their distress". (James 1:27)

The God I serve commanded his people to leave leftover crops in their fields for the poor. (Leviticus 23:22)

The God I serve "defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing." Deuteronomy 10:18

The God I serve "raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor."1 Samuel 2:8

The God I serve is "a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows." (Psalm 68:5)

The God I serve "watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow."(Psalm 146:9

The God I serve says, "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in." (Matthew 25:35)

The God I serve told Cornelius in Acts, "Your prayers and gifts to the poor have come up as a memorial offering before God." Acts 10:4

The God I serve says, "If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:17-18

Do not ask me why I adopted internationally rather than "one of my own", for if you love God all orphans and needy people are "your own". God was not the one to draw the border lines on your maps.

I could write a long paragraph giving all the reasons we chose to adopt internationally, but it can easily be explained in one sentence:

"There was a little boy there who needed a home, and God told us to go. So we went."

This does not mean I have something against domestic adoption, or that I think African kids are "better" or "more deserving" of homes and families than any others. In fact, there's a very good chance our next adoption will be through the American foster system. But I will never, ever regret going where God told me to go. It didn't work out very well for Jonah, and I'm guessing it wouldn't have worked very well for us either.

From Luke 10

25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[c]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[d]”

28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii[e] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

Why Smarties Have Magical Powers

2011-10-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

This past week my hubby and I went to a very short workshop done by Karyn Purvis. If you ever have the opportunity to hear her speak, I would really encourage you to go!!

I read her book, The Connected Child, about a year ago, and it was great. I've also seen a few of her videos that are available online, but had never seen her in person. When this opportunity came up, I really wanted to make it work! It was a two hour drive from us, but in the same city where both my parents and my in-laws live, so my parents were able to watch the boys for us while we went.

When Karyn finished, I looked at the time, hardly believing it could be over! We are really hoping to go to one of her two-day conferences coming up so that we can hear more. I'm also planning to watch more of her videos.

Of course, a lot of attachment/adoption trauma information is geared toward older children--not toddlers, so some things will not be relevant or will have to be adapted a bit to work for our little N.

Karyn shared how when she works with kids she likes to bring a big bucket of bubble gum with her. When the child asks nicely and with good eye contact, she cheerfully gives them a piece of bubble gum. If they ask nicely and with good eye contact for two pieces of bubble gum, she gives them two pieces, and so on.

This helps with multiple things, including teaching the child how to ask politely, making good eye contact, and allows you to say yes to them multiple times. Too often, children who have experienced neglect/trauma have heard "No" when they should have been hearing "Yes".

With a typical newborn, he will cry and Mom will say, "Yes! I will change your poopy diaper" or "Yes! I will feed you", "Yes! I will rock you to sleep", and so on numerous times each day. Many children with attachment disorders didn't have that type of interaction as babies, and they still need it now.

As Karyn spoke about this I began wondering if we could adapt this to work for N. Being only two, and having difficulty chewing anyway, it's obvious that we can't give him bubble gum!

So as hubby and I sat eating dessert together after the conference talking over things, we decided to try either Smarties or fruit snacks or something that he could easily chew, and that would be very small still so he wasn't getting tons of candy.

The next day was a Very Bad Day for N. He was throwing fits constantly, he was mad at everything we tried to do, he didn't nap long enough, and I was worn out. We got home from my parents' house (a two hour drive home) and I knew N would need a snack.

This is how our conversation went:

Me: "N, would you like a snack?"

N: "Uh-huh!"

Me: "Would you like a cereal bar or some fruit?"

N: "No! Snack!"

Me: "Yes, you can have a snack. Would you like a cereal bar?"

N: "No!"

Me: "How about some fruit?"

N: "No!" followed by screams.

Me: "Ok, we're going to go play in the living room and once you're calmed down will get something to eat."

We went back and forth from the living room to the kitchen several times, before N finally asked nicely for some tortilla chips, which I happily gave him. I also gave him the cereal bar in the hopes he would eat it since tortilla chips wouldn't be very filling.

I walked away to take a short break, but N immediately started crying. I quickly realized that my taking a short break at that time wasn't going to work out, and went and sat with N. We fed each other tortilla chips and we giggled. Then I went to the cupboard where I was pretty sure we had a couple packages of Smarties. I brought two packages to the table and set them next to me, away from N.

He looked at them very curiously and asked,

"That?"

I said, "Yes, those are Smarties. Would you like one?"

He smiled and nodded.

I said, "Ok! You can have one! You just need to ask Mommy nicely. Say, 'Mommy--Smarties please?'"

He asked, he received. He giggled. :)

We did this until there was about half a package of Smarties left and he said he was all done. The rest of the afternoon he was a different child. He played happily, he talked and laughed, it was amazing.

We got a big bag of Smarties at the store. We were ready.

So this morning after he started melting down about everything, we did the same thing. And once again he was a completely different child afterward. So amazing.

I am now convinced that Smarties have magical powers.

Normal

2011-10-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

Please don't tell me his behavior is normal.

It's not.

I have quite a few adoption experts who will tell you it's not.

I have a therapist who knows my son and agrees completely that it's not normal.

Please,

when I share that we've had a rough day

don't tell me that all two year olds have rough days

as though I didn't know.

Please don't tell me that all two year olds throw temper tantrums.

Believe me,

I know.

I know that all two year olds want Mommy's attention.

A lot of it.

You don't see the reason behind the tantrums

the cause for his screaming when I walk out of the room.

His fear of abandonment.

His fear that if he doesn't stay in complete control

his world will come crashing down.

You don't see him hug and love everyone else

but refuse to hug his own mom.

Or scream literally

all.

day.

long.

You don't see him hug, kiss, and cuddle

and then hit Mom in the face

because he is afraid

of real attachment.

You don't see his anxiety,

his fear.

And it's okay that you don't see it

It's not your job to see it.

It's my job.

But please don't doubt my words.

For when you tell me his behavior is normal

After I've opened up to share

I feel I have no support.

At all.

Candles! Cake! Candlescake!!!

2011-09-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

N was quite excited about his birthday cake this afternoon and I managed to get it on video. Enjoy! :)

Birthdays

2011-09-19T06:06:00.000-07:00

Next week we will celebrate little N's second birthday. Such a milestone! I can't help but feeling bittersweet about it. We honestly don't really know at all when his actual birthday is. Our best guess is that he's about three or four months older, but we don't know. He could be as much as six months older; he's the same size as most 3 year olds we know. But maybe he's just tall for his age and his birthday is actually correct. At this point, only God knows.

But as his mom, it is hard to not know. I wonder how much of his life we really missed? How old was he really when he went into the orphanage? How many months did his birth mom struggle to feed him?

There are a lot of factors that lead us to believe N is a bit older: He was much more physically advanced than the other babies in his room who were the same age. He could crawl and pull himself up already, where most of the other babies were only just sitting up or maybe crawling a bit and he was super active!

He also had 8 teeth when we got him; at supposedly 8 months old. When I brought him to the dentist about 6 months after we brought him home, the dentist was extremely surprised at how many teeth N already had at that point!

So these things along with a few others make us believe his official birthday is not his actual birthday.

A few interesting points: In Ethiopia, birthdays are not considered nearly as important as they are here in the U.S. Many adults there don't know their exact birthday. Also, people living in abject poverty (which N's birth family certainly was) are not usually going to be as concerned with dates and such as others might be. It is hard to keep track of days and time when you are daily struggling just to survive.

Another big factor is that Ethiopia uses a different calendar than we do, making it more difficult to nail down exact dates.

Many other adoptive families have also experienced this with their children; especially older children may be one, two, or more years older than originally thought. In the grand scheme of things, a few months doesn't make much difference at all. But it's one more thing N will have to process as he gets older. One more thing he won't know about his past.

So next week we will celebrate N's birthday. We will have cake, candles, ice cream, balloons and presents. N is quite obsessed with candles and cake lately, so I know he'll be super excited! :) But in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder, "When did you really turn two?"

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

2011-09-05T18:51:00.001-07:00

This attachment and healing process is definitely a two steps forward, one step back deal. Sometimes it's one step forward, three steps back, two more steps forward, one more back.... etc. We have a lot of good days, we have a lot of bad days. There are still days of almost non-stop temper tantrums and other days of happiness, laughter, and playing.

This past Sunday at church, N out of the blue was very anxious, clinging to both me and his daddy. He was going back and forth between us and just couldn't calm down. It wasn't just normal toddler busy-ness, it was definitely an anxiety response--we could see it in his face and his body language.

So we held him close, we whispered to him that he was safe, he was okay, Mommy and Daddy were right here with him. He calmed down and played happily in the nursery when we brought him. I was prepared to go right back in and stay with him if he didn't settle down, but wanted to try since he's been doing so well there lately.

That night he had a very difficult time getting to sleep, which is not normal for him anymore. Usually after his bedtime routine, he falls asleep within a few minutes of being put in his bed. But that night he screamed, he cried, he would not settle down. His daddy went in and hugged him and laid him back down, but still he cried. I went in and rocked and sang to him. Now usually he will not let me rock him unless I'm giving him his bottle--and as soon as that bottle is done he begs for his bed! But that night we rocked and sang, and when I put him back to bed he cried,

"Rock Mommy! Rock Mommy!"

Healing is happening. He actually wanted me to rock him, wanted me to comfort him. Eventually I did leave him in his bed to fall asleep, since he will not fall asleep in our arms and it was well past his bedtime. He did settle down and go to sleep, and slept well through the night.

This morning was a completely different day. I brought him grocery shopping with me, and he was absolutely delightful! He smiled, we talked together, he was happy almost the entire time. He had people grinning and waving at him, and one woman even asked if she could give him a piece of candy. ;) (Which I had to say no to, because he is not very good at chewing yet--side effect of being fed only very watered-down food until he was about a year old, along with being given enormous mouthfuls at a time to speed up the feeding progress. But I digress...)

Then this evening, he let me read him a story. I mean the entire story. I held the book, he helped turn the pages. And we read an entire story together. Doesn't sound like big news? Trust me, it is! Never before has he been willing to let us hold the book for an entire story, or turn the pages only one at a time, or sit through the whole thing. But he sat in my lap. We read the short story, we pointed at the pictures. And then... he chose another book. And got back in my lap. And we read the whole thing. And he was mad it was bedtime because he wanted to read yet another.

PROGRESS!!!

When I told his brothers about it they were so excited and already making plans to read him a story the next day. "But probably not a chapter book, Mom," my seven year old said. :) Will N listen to a story again tomorrow? Who knows, but now we know he can do it! We may be due for another day of screaming, or he might play happily most of the day. Who knows?

But when I compare now to a year ago, or even six months ago, I see enormous healing in this little guy's life. It's such a privilege to watch him transform. It hasn't been an easy road, and we're not at the end of it yet, but it's worth it. So very worth it.

A Mother's Touch

2011-08-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

"Mama! Mama! Owie!" he cries, pointing to his elbow.

"Oh, you got an owie? Do you need a kiss?" I ask.

"Uh-huh."

I kiss his little elbow, he cuddles and pushes his face into my neck. After a moment, he hops down and is off to play again.

Such a normal scene of a mom with her toddler. A normal scene that has taken quite some time to develop at our house. For his first year or so of life, there wasn't always someone around to kiss N's little owies, to comfort him and hug him. There were other babies who were also crying, and not enough hands to hold them all. There were the basic needs to see to: the diapers, the feedings, the dressing. Not nearly enough time to hug and kiss an adventurous little baby boy every time he bumped his head.

So when he became our son he didn't know. He didn't know that if he cried we'd always come, if he bumped his head we'd hug and kiss him. Slowly, slowly, he is learning. He now believes I have the 'magic touch', for I make owies feel better. Though I can't make the pain go away, the hug and kiss are a comfort.

Where he once wouldn't receive hugs from me and certainly wouldn't give them, he is starting to lean into me. He's starting to feel secure. He has a knowing that he didn't have before.

"These are my people. They love me. They take care of me. They help me."

Oh, so much time and so much work goes into helping him to truly learn this fact. But it is coming. Slowly but surely he is learning that his Momma loves him and will take care of him.

As he walks around the house singing,

"Mommy loves you, Mommy loves you [Name]..." to the tune of "Are You Sleeping?" I smile and think, "Yep. Someday soon you'll really believe that Mommy loves you, little boy. Someday soon."

Lots of Progress

2011-08-11T17:14:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a longer post, but wanted to update that N is doing extremely well right now!! :) His screaming and tantrums have decreased a lot, and he is overall a much happier kiddo. We're all happy with the change over here!

We still have a ways to go, and more to work on, but seeing the progress he's made so far is awesome; I definitely feel more hopeful about how this coming school year is going to go. Homeschooling with a toddler in the house is a challenge in and of itself, but homeschooling with a toddler who throws tantrums all day is another story all together!

Another post coming soon...

~J

Showers

2011-07-12T05:02:00.000-07:00

If we have a very busy Saturday and don't have time to give N his bath Sat night, N's daddy will usually just take him into the shower on Sunday morning before church. He'll quickly shower N and then himself while I do N's hair and get him dressed and such.

N LOVES showers. Loves them. I mean, don't mention a shower unless you plan to give him one, or you'll definitely hear about it!

This past Sunday one of our boys was sick, so I was planning to take the other two with me to church. Since I was the one going to church, I figured I'd just quickly shower N with me. No biggie, right? The kid loves showers!

So we went in the bathroom and got N ready. I stepped into the shower and said, "Come on, N! Get in the shower!" I was expecting his excited "Shower!!!!" but instead got, "Nooo!!! Daddy!!"

The kid who loves showers screamed through the whole shower. Why? Because I wasn't daddy.

And so it goes. Sometimes his screaming fits are very predictable, other times we have no idea it's coming. Sometimes we have great days with only a few minor tantrums. Other days we have all-day scream fests.

Honestly, it's very tiring. Last week when I wrote the previous post about him screaming all day long, he was taking a nap. As soon as he woke up the screaming started again. And he got more physical than he usually is; I ended up getting a nice bump under the eye from his sippy cup.

We can have a wonderful time singing and tickling and giggling together, and then afterward he will try to hit me in the face or have a fit about something.

Why does he do it? Because healthy attachment is still a scary thing for him. Slowly but surely we are making progress though.

Dear Little N

2011-07-05T09:41:00.001-07:00

My Dear Little N,

I love you so.

But this morning, you screamed about everything. You screamed because Mommy sat down. You screamed because Mommy walked away from you. You screamed because you wanted a cereal bar, and then screamed because Mommy gave you one. You screamed that you wanted crackers, but then screamed when you were given a cracker. You were thirsty, but didn't want a drink.

You wanted to play with your brothers, but they weren't doing things the way you wanted them done. You screamed because you wanted to watch a show, and then screamed for ten minutes because you had again decided you wanted something to eat.

You screamed because you wanted the blanket your brother was using, and then when you got a blanket you screamed because it just wasn't on you the right way, and nothing anyone did could make it right.

You screamed because your toy wasn't working right, and then screamed because Mommy tried to help you.

Mommy made you lunch and put you in your high chair, and you screamed. You finally ate some lunch, but threw your plate on the floor when you were done.

And screamed to get out of your high chair.

It was finally nap time, and boy you fought! Mommy picked you up to rock you and give you your bottle, and you screamed. You covered your mouth. You fought. You tried to take the bottle out of Mommy's hands.

But the bottle went in your mouth. You started sucking and settled in. You looked into Mommy's eyes, you smiled a bit.

You and Mommy rocked and rocked, and then the songs spilled out--a bit reluctantly at first; Mommy was tired, Mommy was worn out, but the songs came anyway,

Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to him belong
They are weak but he is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so

Then,

May the Lord bless you and keep you
May the Lord make his face shine upon you
And give you peace, and give you peace
And give you peace forever

May the Lord be gracious to you
May the Lord turn his face towards you
And give you peace, and give you peace
And give you peace forever

Then you finished your bottle, smiled and said,

"All done baba. Nigh-night." You went to bed, and quickly fell fast sleep.

We'll get through this, my baby boy. We will.

~Mommy

Battles

2011-06-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

Many children with attachment difficulties have trouble with feeling the need to be in control or in charge at all times. They have so far survived by being in control, and have learned through experience that adults can't be trusted. They've learned that trusting adults only causes pain; any adult they have loved has hurt them in some way (abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc.)

In N's case, he was not abused, nor was he abandoned. However in his mind, all the adults he's ever trusted have not been truly trustworthy. His birth mom relinquished him to an orphanage, he moved from one orphanage to another, and then was taken by two strange people to another country, another culture, new food, new smells, new everything. What are all these grown-ups trying to do to him?!

So he tends to feel the need to be in control of everything. Of course, many almost two year olds want to be in charge. :) But with N it's taken more to the extreme level. Our therapist is helping him (and teaching us how to help him) that he can be in charge of some things and make good things happen, but he isn't in charge of everything and he can trust his mom and dad.

For example, he recommends letting N turn on lights, the TV, the CD player, toys, etc, whenever possible so that he can be in control of good things. But N obviously has to learn that when we say no, he does have to stop.

While we were at therapy last night, the therapist asked him to stop doing something and come to another room to do something else. And N was not happy. I could tell he was winding up for a huge tantrum.

There was many a shouted, "No!" when he was asked to come. He gave his dirty look. He finally got up out of his chair and started to walk towards the doctor, then shouted, "No!" and ran back. Eventually he finally did get up and walk out, then threw a hissy fit when the doctor closed the door so he couldn't go back in. Once he stopped screaming he ran to the door to leave the office and started saying "Bye-bye". I guess he figured that since he didn't get his way we ought to leave!

He and I had a similar stand-off today. He threw his pretzels down on the floor because he wanted to go outside.

"N, we will go outside once you pick up your pretzels and put them on the table," I said, wondering if he really understood (but suspecting that he did.)

"No! Outside!"

"Put your pretzels on the table, then we'll go outside."

Scream, scream, scream.

"N, when your pretzel is on the table we will go outside."

And so on (I included hand gestures in this pointing to the pretzel and then to the table so that it would be very clear what I meant.)

Pretzel was picked up and put on the table.

"Good job, N! You listened to Mommy! You're such a big boy! Now we can go play outside!"

Big smiles, happy boy and happy mommy. :)

Next up: Dealing with hitting family members and tantrums at the dinner table!

Oh--and on an awesome note, N gave me several hugs and kisses this morning when asked---so sweet!

~J

Camping

2011-06-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

We had N's second therapy appointment last week Wednesday. The day before that our social worker was here for our one year post-placement visit (it's been a year since he came home!!), and the day after that we left to go camping for 4 nights.

Needless to say, there wasn't much time for blogging. :)

We had a great time camping though, and N did pretty well overall. There was definitely some screaming, and we had two nights where he was up a lot in the night, but I'd still call it a pretty successful trip.

I'll post again later this week about therapy and the progress we're making.

Oh--and N hugged me today all on his own! Yay! :)

~J

Difficulties

2011-06-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

In one week, it will have been one year since we came home from ET with N. It has been quite the adventure so far!

N started out with absolutely horrible sleep habits, he refused to put anything at all in his mouth—ever, he repeatedly hit his head to comfort himself, he screamed a lot, and very quickly came to the point of not wanting either his mommy or daddy to be anywhere but right next to him! I'm not going to lie; it was pretty difficult at first. Any difficult circumstance is made 10 times harder when you're sleep-deprived, and boy were we short on sleep! There were many, many nights when one of us (often it was N's daddy—he is awesome!) rocked him for hours and hours while he screamed, cried, fussed, and refused to sleep. It was hard.

We knew that giving him bottles, rocking him, singing to him, playing with him during the day, and just loving him would help—that eventually it would indeed get easier. We knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and we kept going because we knew we were doing the right thing for N. It was what he needed.

Now almost a year later, a lot has changed. N is sleeping better (though we still have some difficult nights and nap times), he feeds himself, he doesn't hit his head to soothe himself, etc. His progress is actually pretty amazing! But we are still struggling. A lot. We have some days that are great; N will cuddle, play, sing, smile, and be generally happy through the day. It's a joy to be around him, and I think that perhaps the problems we have on other days are really just in my head.

However, it became increasingly obvious to us that his problems are real. He is still struggling, and we were becoming increasingly unsure of how to continue parenting him. He will throw a temper tantrum over anything and nothing.

Give him the snack he asked for? Temper tantrum because he changed his mind and now wants something different. Put him in the high chair? Screaming as soon as he thinks he is done, because he wants to get down. Give him water instead of juice in his sippy cup? Screaming, kicking, hitting, fall-on-the-floor tantrum. Give him juice but he thinks you gave him water? Same thing, before he'll even take a sip.

He wants a toy that his brother has? Scream. He doesn't want his diaper changed? Scream. You put salt on your food and not on his? Scream.

You get the picture?

Now you may be saying, “J, come on. All toddlers throw fits. His behavior can't be that bad. What are you doing wrong?” I get it. When a kid has behavior issues, most of the time we assume it's because the parent isn't doing his or her job. And I also get that toddlers scream and throw tantrums. Tantrums aren't a new thing to me—I have gone through toddler-hood with two other sons.

Would you then also wonder why he throws these tantrums for me way more than his daddy? When he is with Daddy, he is relatively happy with a few times of screaming here and there. When he is with me, he screams non-stop. When he is with me, he is mad.

When he is with me and other grown-ups, he turns on the charm. He is cute, he might shake your hand or give you a high-five. The other person leaves and he starts with the tantrums again.

So once again you might ask, “J—what are you doing wrong?!”

And that's what I started to wonder, too. “Am I really such a bad mom? What am I doing wrong?!”

My son has attachment problems. If you've adopted or have read up at all on adoption, you probably have some idea of what I'm talking about. If you haven't, you probably have no idea what an attachment disorder is or what would cause it. You may wonder how a child who was adopted as young as N was could have emotional problems from it? How can he even remember what happened to him? Kids are flexible and heal quickly. Right?

I am saying today, I am not a bad mom. I am not doing something wrong. The damage done to my son was done before I met him. Though he was loved by many before being adopted, those who loved him were unable to fully care for all of his needs. He moved from a home to an orphanage, then to another orphanage, then to a new family in a new country. He experienced more loss in his first year of life than most of us will experience in our lifetimes. And no, he was not too young for it to effect him.

I am not an expert in adoption or attachment. I'm just a mom who is trying to do the right thing for her child. I'm a mom who sometimes wonders if she's going crazy, and sometimes wishes she could hide in her room away from the screaming. I'm a mom who desperately wants her son to be healed, and will go to the ends of the earth to get him the help he needs.

Though I have not been blogging much lately, I have decided to blog about our journey in attachment therapy and helping our son who is dealing with many problems related to his adoption and the traumas he has experienced in his life so far. This is a public blog, so I intend to keep some things private; I won't be posting every little thing that happens, or everything about our son's history, etc. I do hope though that my posting our experience may help encourage other parents dealing with similar issues, and may help educate others who don't yet know much about how adoption affects children.

We met with our therapist for the first time this past week, and I am already so encouraged. Our son will get the help he needs, and this therapist seems to be the perfect person for the job!

A few key points from our first session:

1) You are not bad parents
2) You are not the problem
3) Kids who spent time in orphanages and/or who have dealt with neglect, abuse, or bounced around from place to place have some catching up to do. Their brains did not develop the way they should have, and they will frequently need time to catch up emotionally, and often other ways as well
4) With a child N's age, try to distract him from the tantrum (exciting toys, etc) rather than trying to stop it in any other way
5) Try to give the child control in appropriate ways so he doesn't feel the need to be in control of everything when it's not appropriate (For example, let him turn on and off the lights in a room, let him help with whatever he's able, help him figure out how to make a toy work rather than do it for him, etc.)
6) Don't tell him to “Stop screaming” or “Stop hitting”; this only reinforces the behavior you want to stop. Instead, tell him what to do. “Use your calm voice”, “We use gentle hands”, etc.

One of the key things we will be working on is teaching N to show affection to others in appropriate ways. While we were at the office, he would hug the therapist when asked, and he would hug Daddy when asked, but he would not hug Mommy when asked. (Ouch!) I will be working extra hard to have good experiences with him this week; lots of love, cuddles, fun games, singing, and so on.

In his mind, only women have hurt him. Before we adopted him, he didn't have much experience at all with men, so he seems to associate me with that pain. It's like he is afraid to really show love and affection to me in case he gets hurt again. We will keep working on this with our therapist helping direct us.

It is tough, tough work, but I know we will get there. I'll post more after our session next week (unless the urge to write strikes before then.) ;)

~J

Sleep Problems

2011-03-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

I was asked this question today, and thought I would post my response here in case it can help anyone else as they deal with sleep problems in their newly adopted infant/toddler. I obviously don't have all the answers, but sometimes just hearing from someone else who has been there can be an encouragement!

Her Question:
We just adopted our son from Uganda- brought him home in January. Sleep has been a grueling issue for him and so of course for me and my husband as well, so I would love to hear any advice you have. We are desperate!!!

My Response:
I'd be happy to share anything we've learned about helping our little guy with his sleep problems, but unfortunately I don't have any magic answers. :( I know it's so very hard when the little one doesn't sleep; if you're sleep-deprived it makes everything harder and seem much worse than it would seem otherwise! I'll share here our experiences; sorry if it gets super long!

How old is your son?

Our son was about 9 months old when we brought him home. At least, that's what the official paperwork says, but we suspect he was actually a few months older--probably closer to 12 months.

Anyway, we've had major sleep problems with him. We've now been home about 8 months, and I can say that it's much, much, much better than it was. But he's still not consistently sleeping through the night; especially if he gets sick he is up most of the night.

When we first came home, we were giving him a bottle every time he woke up in the night. He also got one before nap time and before bed time. The bottle was huge for him; because he hadn't gotten one in the orphanage, he really missed out on the sucking time. It was also a good way to get a chance to rock him, sing to him, etc. It was one of the very few ways to get him to sit still!

After the bottle, we would then rock him and pat him until he finally fell asleep, then carefully transfer him to his crib.

The whole time we'd be trying to put him to sleep, he would scream, shriek, kick his legs, flail his arms, arch his back, etc. It was really bad. But we just kept on holding him, talking to him, singing to him, praying out loud for him, etc. And yes, it was very draining, but it was the best thing we could have done for him I think. He needed the comfort and reassurance, needed to get the anxiety/grief out, and that apparently was his method for coping.

We quickly tried to get him into some sort of routine; a regular time for nap(s) and bedtime, and we kept things very low-key when he woke up at 4 or 5 every morning (yawn); we'd keep the lights low, not play loudly or wildly with him, and that type of thing to try to get him to understand this was not really morning yet! (It's not morning around here until at least 6am, preferable 7. Haha!)

Oh--we also gave him a small stuffed lion "blankie" during the rocking and bottle times, and he always had it with him in bed. At first of course, it made no difference at all to him whether he had it or not. But now he's quite attached to it and it definitely seems to help him self-soothe a bit!

After a couple months of this (what felt like torture), we decided to try to get him to fall asleep in his own bed. We'd go through our whole routine; diaper change, bottle in the rocking chair, hugs and kisses, then we laid him down and patted his back. We'd pretty much ignore him unless he was lying down. When he was lying down, we'd pat his back. If he stood up, we waited a minute, then quietly laid him down again and started patting. Repeat. (Over and over and over again.)

One day this went on for over a half hour, and I had to go to the bathroom! So I laid him down one more time, patted his back a minute, and then left the room. My plan was to come right back after using the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom.... he fell asleep!!

So then we started leaving the room after lying him down and patting him for a bit. Every 5 minutes or so we'd go back in, lie him down, pat, then leave again. We'd keep doing this until he fell asleep.

After a few nights, we extended the time by a couple of minutes, and kept extending the time, until it got to the point that he was falling asleep quickly after we left the room.

Once he was regularly falling asleep on his own, in his own bed, in a relatively short amount of time, we started trying to reduce the bottles he got in the night. He was still waking up at least 3 or 4 times in the night for a bottle at that point. We reduced the amount from 6 ounces to 4 ounces, and decided we wouldn't give him his morning bottle (8 ounces) until at least 5am. (Trying to teach him the difference between night time and morning!)

Once this started going well, we reduced the amount of formula in the 4 ounce bottles, so it was 4 ounces of water, but only 1 scoop of formula (so half concentration).

It took a long, long time to get to this point, but I can say that now he goes to sleep on his own, in his own bed, and generally doesn't even make a peep after we leave the room. He's smiling and blowing kisses, then we leave and don't hear from him again until he wakes up. :)

He's also taking a regular afternoon nap of about 1.5 to 2 hours. Sometimes he will wake up too early and we lie him down again, pat his back for a minute, and usually he will go back to sleep. He's also going to bed at night the same way, and if he wakes through the night it's usually only once. His norm these days is to wake around 5 or 6, get a bottle, then go back to sleep for a while until 7ish, though we do still sometimes have bad nights where he is up a lot, crying, won't go back to sleep, and so on.

I wish I had a magic "we tried this and it worked!" solution for you, but this is the best I can do. I'll be praying for your son and your whole family though. I know how hard it is, and it's just so tiring to everyone involved. I'll continue to pray, and if you have any further questions or would just like to chat, please feel free to send me a message!

You are doing a wonderful thing, and it will get easier! Hang in there!

Transracial Adoption Reactions :)

2011-02-20T17:41:00.000-08:00

I've had two funny experiences in the last month that I thought I'd share here. Two conversations that can only happen because I'm a white mom with a brown baby. :)

The Children's Museum

When my mother-in-law came to visit us one weekday, we decided to take the boys to the children's museum. With an age range from 1 to 8 it wasn't easy to come up with any other fun activity that all the kids could enjoy when there was a bunch of snow!

So while we were at the museum, one of the workers there asked if they could take pictures of my kids for their newsletter.

"Sure!" I said.

So they came back with the camera and got ready to take the pictures. All 3 boys (wearing matching shirts, no less!) were running around the music room where you can step on buttons and it plays a different note. The lady taking pictures is looking at the kids with confusion all over here face.

"Are you guys together?" she asked, gesturing to the kids.

"Yup!"

"No, I mean all of you?" again gesturing to the kids.

"Yes."

"I mean, the kids? Are they with you?"

"Yes."

"All of them?"

"Yes, they're brothers even though they may not look like it," all said with a smile. "The little guy is from Ethiopia."

"Oh! Oh! We have family like that, too!"

So hilarious, isn't it??? :)

The Basketball Game

Another week, we were at A and D's basketball game. My husband is one of the coaches on the team, so N and I generally sit by ourselves to watch. One woman sat next to us and was chatting a bit with N. (He's awfully cute, you can't help but talk to him!) (No, I'm not biased at all.)

N pointed out to the court.

"Oh, is that your daddy?" she asked, pointing to a black man out on the court.

"No, his daddy is the one over there; the tall one with glasses," I replied.

"Oh," she said, looking extremely confused and scanning the crowd for another black man that could be N's daddy.

"Which one?" she asked.

"Right over there; one of the coaches," pointing towards my hubby.

"Oh," looking at me. And after a very long pause, "But I thought you were his mom???" she asked, still incredibly confused.

"Yes, I'm his mom. He was adopted and he doesn't look much like us."

"Oh! Adopted! I've thought of doing that some day."

We then proceeded to have a short conversation about adoption. But I was laughing about this the entire day. Occasionally my husband and I just look at each other and say, "Wait, I thought you were his mom?" and crack up. (Yeah, we're a bit weird.) :)

12 Days of an Adoptive Family's Christmas

2010-12-30T06:40:00.000-08:00

You may have seen the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaD8xat6VDw of the "12 Days of a Large Family Christmas." If you haven't, you should check it out--it's funny!

So I was thinking this morning about an adoption version and decided to write it up for fun. All of these are questions or comments we've actually gotten about our adoption. :)

On the first day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “Why Ethiopia?”

On the second day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “How much did he cost?” and “Why Ethiopia?”

On the third day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “Didn't you want a girl? How much did he cost? Why Ethiopia?

On the fourth day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “Wow his hair is curly! Didn't you want a girl? How much did he cost? Why Ethiopia?”

On the fifth day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “You're just like Angelina! Wow his hair is curly! Didn't you want a girl? How much did he cost? Why Ethiopia?”

On the sixth day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “Couldn't you have gotten a puppy? You're just like Angelina! Wow his hair is curly! Didn't you want a girl? How much did he cost? Why Ethiopia?”

On the seventh day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “Why was he given up? Couldn't you have gotten a puppy? You're just like Angelina! Wow his hair is curly! Didn't you want a girl? How much did he cost? Why Ethiopia?”

On the eighth day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “Where is his real mom? Why was he given up? Couldn't you have gotten a puppy? You're just like Angelina! Wow his hair is curly! Didn't you want a girl? How much did he cost? Why Ethiopia?”

On the ninth day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “He looks like Obama! Where is his real mom? Why was he given up? Couldn't you have gotten a puppy? You're just like Angelina! Wow his hair is curly! Didn't you want a girl? How much did he cost? Why Ethiopia?”

On the tenth day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “So now you must be done? He looks like Obama! Where is his real mom? Why was he given up? Couldn't you have gotten a puppy? You're just like Angelina! Wow his hair is curly! Didn't you want a girl? How much did he cost? Why Ethiopia?”

On the eleventh day of Christmas a well-meaning person said to me: “Does he have AIDS? So now you must be done? He looks like Obama! Where is his real mom? Why was he given up? Couldn't you have gotten a puppy? You're just like Angelina! Wow his hair is curly! Didn't you want a girl? How much did he cost? Why Ethiopia?”

On the twelfth day of Christmas I graciously replied:

“That's a very personal question!”

“No we are not done.”

“I don't see the resemblance.”

“I'm standing right here.”

“That's a very personal question!”

“We like children more than puppies.”

“I have no response.”

“Black people's hair is often curly.”

“We like boys very much.”

“He is priceless.”

“And because our son was there!”

Attachment Progress

2010-12-14T18:32:00.000-08:00

I am amazed at the progress with attachment N has made since we met him!

When we first met him he:

--had never had a bottle before
--didn't care who was holding him or playing with him
--wouldn't let go of a toy for anything!
--crawled everywhere
--refused to put anything in his own mouth; not fingers, not toys, not food
--hadn't yet had solid food
--screamed, cried, kicked and flailed his arms when we tried to put him to sleep
--woke up many, many times a night
--smacked himself on the head/face as a self-soothing technique

He quickly moved to:

--wanting bottles constantly, and cuddling close while taking them
--being very shy and unhappy when anyone other than Mom or Dad was holding him or talking to him
--dropping toys constantly in favor of grabbing something else!
--started taking steps
--started putting food in his mouth and chewing on toys
--started eating baby food, moved on to puffs
--falling asleep faster and easier
--sleeping for longer stretches at a time
--not hitting himself at all

Today he:

--wants bottles, but is only taking 3 or 4 a day
--willingly going to grandparents, giving others high fives, smiling at people, etc, but still very attached to his mom and dad
--climbs to get to whatever he wants ;)
--is running!
--is feeding himself table food and finding all sorts of things around the house to taste ;)
--is exclusively eating table food and drinking from a sippy cup (still also gets about 3 bottles a day)
--falls asleep in his own bed within a few minutes of being put down (usually)
--frequently sleeps through the night; sometimes waking up once or twice, but it's rare for it to be more than that
--still not hitting himself

He also:

--says "mama" and "dada"
--has names for his brothers
--signs the words for "eat", "drink", "all done", and "sleepy"
--says "I love you", though it comes out more, "ah va lou!"
--says "baba" for bottle
--waves bye-bye
--blows kisses
--tries to blow out the candles at the dinner table
--throws regular temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way
--climbs onto the furniture
--checks to see if you're watching before trying to touch something he knows is a "no-no"
--is starting to repeat words
--gives hugs and puts his face up to your lips to receive a kiss

What a wonderful blessing from God to be mommy to this beautiful little boy!! He has come so far in such a short time, and it's a joy to watch him grow.

~J

"So Why Was He Given Up??"

2010-11-16T19:10:00.000-08:00

I was asked today by an acquaintance why N ever became available for adoption. The person asked, "So could his parents not take care of him? Is that why they gave him up? Did he have any brothers or sisters? Is he healthy?"

I admit, I was a bit surprised at the personal nature of the questions. Of course, all through the process we were told by other adoptive parents to expect it, and I've had similar questions before---but it still took me by surprise. This person asked and was definitely expecting an answer!

I said basically that there are a lot of reasons children in Ethiopia become available for adoption, etc. and didn't give any personal details beyond what we're telling publicly: he was unable to get the care he needed, and his birth mom placed him in an orphanage.

Is there more to the story? Of course. Was it only a matter of money that made his birth mom relinquish him? No. Are we sharing much more than that? No.

Why not? He's only a baby now and can't understand what I'm telling others or what others are asking about him, but the day will come that he will start asking questions about his birth history. The day will come when he understands what the random stranger is asking, and he feels self-conscious, upset, etc. at listening to that conversation.

Additionally, imagine if everyone around you knew about your birth history before you did? Eventually N will be told everything we know about his history, but there are some details he won't be ready to hear until he's older. Those aren't the sort of details we want to be public information, ya know?

Bottom line: please don't be offended if an adoptive parent chooses not to answer the questions/s you're asking. There's a good reason for keeping some things private, and we could use your understanding in this. :)

An Adoption Experience

2010-11-16T06:24:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of questions lately about why we don't put N in the church nursery, or why we don't leave him with a baby-sitter, why we carry him and hold him a lot, etc. I'm never offended or upset at such questions, but it occurs to me that a lot of people don't understand what a child goes through in an international adoption. I've written this as best as I understand N's history, though some of the pre-adoption details have been left out and/or changed slightly so as to protect his privacy. Please take a moment to read.

In a typical parent/child relationship, a mother gives birth after carrying her child for 9 months. She then proceeds to take care of her infant's every need (of course with some help from Dad and maybe other relatives). :) When baby is hungry, Mom feeds him. When he's tired, Mom puts him to sleep. When his diaper is dirty, Mom changes him. He gets a little bigger and learns that when he smiles at Mom, she smiles back. When he bumps his head, she picks him up, hugs and kisses him. When he drops his pacifier, Mom gives it back. When he giggles, she giggles back. When he cries, she answers.

He's never far from his mom or dad. Even if Grandma is baby-sitting, he learns that Mom comes back. He eventually (of course, this takes longer for some than others!) learns that even if Mom doesn't feed him the minute he's hungry, she will feed him soon and he can wait a few minutes. He knows he is loved unconditionally, he's protected, he has a place.

Now imagine this same baby is born and taken care of by his mother. But she can't respond to all of his needs. She has to work all day to have the chance earning a meal, and there's no day care to bring him to. She wants to feed her baby, but can't. She wants to giggle with him, tickle him, change his diapers, but she's unable to. She eventually relinquishes him to an orphanage after realizing she can never care for him the way she wants to.

The baby's mom--that familiar face, the one who took care of his needs the best she could--is no longer there. And she doesn't come back. And he's left with several nannies who come in and out, and who speak a different language than the one he's been hearing his whole life thus far, and a whole lot of other babies. Some of them leave, others come. It's never the same.

When he's hungry, no one feeds him if it's not meal time. When he's tired, no one puts him to bed if it's not nap time. When he giggles there's no guarantee anyone hears. When he bumps his head, it may or may not be noticed. When his diaper is dirty, he sits in it until it's time to change all the other babies.

After a short time, he moves from this orphanage to another. Once again, he's left with several different nannies who come in and out, and a whole lot of other babies. He is loved. He is cared for. But it's not the same as having a mother who takes care of his every need, who responds to his cries, who cares for him as an individual rather than a group of babies who all need attention.

Eventually two people with different skin, different smells, different voices and language, come. He is handed to them, they take him home and he never goes back. He doesn't see the nannies again, the ones who loved and cared for him the best they could.

He travels to a new country with these new people, a country with different sounds, sights, smells, voices. A home with a mom and a dad who love him unconditionally, who respond to his every need the best that they can. Brothers who love him. More toys than he can play with. But is this the last stop? Will the day come that they leave him, too? When will he go to his next new home? What will it be like? Will he see these people again?

It seems like a happy place. Everybody's nice to him, get gets enough food to eat, gets rest when he needs it, has people to giggle with, and he always gets kissed when he bumps his head. But is it too good to last? He doesn't know, but he'd like to believe he'll be there forever.

Is he too young to truly be affected by his past? Every study says absolutely not.

5 Minutes

2010-10-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

I let N out of his high chair. He grins at me and takes off, sitting on the floor in front of the toy kitchen. So I sit down at the computer to check my email. I then hear banging coming from the (real) kitchen. About half of my pots and pans are on the floor. Oh, and I just found out he can reach the counters. Don't put anything too close to the edge! I sit down again. N wanders past carrying my hairbrush, but then finds a very interesting piece of newspaper. I get up to remove the newspaper from his grip, he drops it and takes off down the hallway. He turns, grins at me, and speeds away. Straight for the toilet. Never fear, I'm right behind him; I pick him up and the entire neighborhood hears his shrieks. Bring him back to his toys. It is then quiet. Dangerously quiet. Yup, he found his brother's crayons again. Ok, we're headed to the living room. Behind the baby gates. Which he hasn't figured out how to climb yet.
(The key word here being 'yet'.) And that's how I spent the last 5 minutes.

Baby Boy

2010-10-16T15:43:00.001-07:00

Baby Boy is doing really well overall. He's bonding extremely well with us, has some stranger anxiety (which is actually a good thing!) and is growing like a weed. Oh, and he can walk! I will get a few pics up soon, but tonight is finger food and family game night. :)

~J

8 Weeks

2010-08-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Well, we've now been home for 8 weeks with little N. I intended to post the journal entry for our return trip home, but haven't yet. It seems I'm busy or something--ha!

N is overall doing quite well, but we've had a lot of sleep troubles. When we first got home we had to work on adjusting to our time zone (plus he was sick, so that didn't help). He finally started figuring out when night is, but wakes up a lot each night. He also doesn't nap very well during the day.

We've had some nights where he'll only wake up once, but many others where he'll wake up 6 or more times. His average is somewhere around 3 times though. This all makes for a very tired mama and daddy the next day!

I must say that my wonderful husband is truly being wonderful and handling a lot of the night wakings (one of the few advantages to bottle-feeding!). This has really helped me have the energy I need to be a good mom during the day.

It is really hard watching N cry and cry, feeling him cling to us, seeing his very nervous look when we're in a group of people. This baby is definitely not feeling very secure yet! He's bonding and attaching with us pretty well, but is very nervous about it. He wants us to be in his sight at all times, and he'd prefer us to be right next to him playing on the floor.

We've been doing a lot of praying for N. During the first couple of weeks he couldn't get to sleep without screaming and flailing his arms and legs, arching his back, etc. We would rock and rock and sing and shush, etc, but nothing seemed to really help. In order to stay calm myself I would hold him very close and tight, rock him, and pray out loud for him. It definitely helped my sanity level to remember that it wasn't about me, it was simply him expressing all his grief and anxiety over all that has occurred so far in his life. And knowing that God cares for this little guy way more than I do is pretty amazing, too!

When we got to Ethiopia, we definitely experienced a bit of culture shock--and we're grown adults. Just think about what a little baby was experiencing coming to the US with 2 people he'd only known for a week! And all this after dealing with malnourishment, being placed in an orphanage, moving to another orphanage, and then meeting us. It's not hard to see why he would be scared and anxious!

All of this one-on-one time with him has been great for bonding, but not so great for getting anything else done around my house! Thankfully my mom and mother-in-law volunteered to help and they're coming every other week or so to help me get caught up on laundry and house-cleaning. We tried to start school with A and D but put it on hold for a few more weeks until we get a bit more settled.

I know this isn't the most exciting post ever, but honestly--returning to life and trying to get into a "new normal" after bringing home a baby via adoption is not the most exciting this ever either. We're so very happy to have N home with us so we can begin the bonding and help him heal from the traumas he's experienced, but it's very tiring at the same time.

Would we do it again? Absolutely! But probably not until sleep patterns are a bit more established, lol!

~J

Ethiopia Journal, Day 9

2010-07-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia, Day 9

Today was our last day in Ethiopia! Our plane left at 10pm, and though we've had a great trip we are so ready to go home!

We spent the morning packing (which was not nearly so difficult as packing to come here!), giving N a bath, and we had traditional Ethiopian food for lunch at the guest house. (N just loved his bath!!) After lunch there was a traditional coffee ceremony for us and the new guests that had arrived last night. (They are a family here to adopt a 15 year old boy.)

N was definitely the center of attention during the coffee ceremony as he kept trying to get into the coffee cups, the popcorn, etc—anything he could see!

After the coffee ceremony we went with Birtukan to Yezelalem Minch once again to give a gift to our sponsor children. When our van pulled into YM, our little girl jumped up and down pointing and yelling, “It's J! It's J!”

We hopped out of the van (N was asleep in the carrier) and gave a small bag of goodies to each of the children; it was some snacks, a bit of candy, and a picture of our family. We then gave the blankets and bed sheets to them that the social worker had purchased for them on our behalf.

We had wanted to leave them with a gift since it was unlikely we'd be back to Ethiopia in the very near future, so Birtukan asked their social worker for us what their biggest need was. And it was sheets and a blanket.

Here in the United States we have “Toys for Tots” and we provide school bags to children, etc. etc. And those things are wonderful! But in Ethiopia a sheet and blanket make a little girl say “This is the happiest day of my life.” For real, people. For real. For these children and their extended family, knowing that they will be financially provided for each month changes their lives entirely. Knowing that there will be food, clothing and school supplies gives them a chance at life.

Our little boy says that he wants to be a doctor someday. May the Lord allow his dream to come true!

I do not post about our sponsoring these kids in order to pat myself on the back or make myself look good. In reality, I so very much struggle with having so many luxuries in life... and not wanting to give them up. But when I meet these children who became so excited to have a warm blanket, my heart aches and I want to do more and more to help other children like them.

As S put it when the social worker was expressing his thanks, “You guys are being the hands and feet of Jesus. We're, like, the stomach.”

They were thanking us over and over for sponsoring these kids ($30 a month/child), and for giving them a blanket.

Can you spare $30 a month, or even $30 as a one-time donation? You can donate http://www.causes.com/causes/502045?m=71bb3202&recruiter_id=36255408

http://www.firstgiving.com/karasheartfororphansinethiopia

You can also read more about the ministry at this blog: http://journeytonumberthree.blogspot.com/

Yezelalem Minch currently has 680 children waiting for sponsors. Waiting for someone who can spare $30 a month to give them hope for a future. That's it—your $30 a month could literally save the life of a child.

I know that some think I should stop going on and on about “those African orphans” or wonder why I'm so passionate about them. God has truly given me a love for these children and a desire to serve them and help them to know Christ's love. You may not be in any financial place to sponsor a child right now, or maybe you already sponsor a child through another organization. But can you spare $30 a month? If so, you will not regret it—and neither will your sponsored child.

It was so emotional meeting with these kids. We hugged each other, and tried to talk to each other (difficult since we spoke different languages!), kissed each other, and eventually said good-bye. We knew we had to leave, but a part of our hearts stayed.

Afterwards we asked ourselves, “What if God called us to move to Ethiopia (or any other African country) to work with orphans? Could we handle it? Could we live without clean running water, without many of the conveniences we have now? Could we?”

Could you? If God said “Go”, would you? It's a difficult thing to ponder, isn't it? It's easy to say yes, but another to say yes and actually mean it! I don't know what exactly God has for our future, but I know it involves these children in Ethiopia and throughout Africa, who mean so much to him, but are forgotten by so many who have the means to help them.

When we arrived back at the guest house, we relaxed for a while and finished up our last-minute preparations to go. After an early dinner, it was time to load up into the van and head to the airport!

I will write about our trip home and homecoming in the next post!

N's first bath with us: he loved it!

An indoor coffee ceremony

Ethiopia Journal, Day 8

2010-07-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia, Day 8

It's almost time to go home—we leave tomorrow night! It has been so wonderful to be here, but we are ready to get home, try to get into a routine, and most of all see our boys!!

This morning we all piled into the van to head to the agency's office to pick up our visa information. While we were on the way there, we found out that the director was held up at the embassy, so Abel decided to take us to a small park/playground to pass the time while we waited.

The older kids ran around and played while those of us with babies walked around enjoying the sights and taking pictures.

We finally headed to the office where we received our visa packets. We were NOT ALLOWED TO OPEN THEM! I don't know what would happen if we opened them, but we don't want to find out! We are to bring them to the U.S. Immigration once we arrive in the U.S.

We then went out for a nice lunch. It was once again difficult to keep N happy during lunch; it's his fussy time where he really needs a nap, but is not very willing to go to sleep. But after lunch we got to deliver the boxes of formula and diapers to the orphanage that our church donated money for before we left. The workers there were so happy to receive the donations, they said they had almost been out of formula.

Since N was asleep in my carrier, I hopped out of the van with him to take some pictures. Several nannies came up to us asking if it was him, and they kissed him and prayed over him. It was so sweet, and thankfully he slept through the whole thing. I don't know how he would have reacted if he woke up.

Back at the guest house the families who were leaving that night got ready to leave. We got a bit of rest and then enjoyed an early pizza dinner before everyone left. After saying good-bye it seemed really quiet, but we headed to bed early so we could pack up in the morning—our plane leaves tomorrow night!

At the Park

The View

The Donations--this was bought with money donated from our church

Back at the guest house--this kid is seriously cute!

N is officially done being happy!

Well, that was fast

Ethiopia Journal, Day 7

2010-07-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia, Day 7

Today nothing was scheduled with our agency except dinner, so we spent some time relaxing at the guest house in the morning. We had traditional Ethiopian food for lunch (Yum!) and a coffee ceremony afterwards.

Once the coffee ceremony was done, we went to visit Yezelalem Minch. Yezelalem Minch is a wonderful ministry that our guest house host, Birtukan, started. They work very hard to care for the orphans in their community, as well as their caregivers. There are so many, many orphans in Ethiopia. Many of them have nowhere to go. Others have extended family or friends who would take them, but can't afford another mouth to feed.

That's where Yezelalem Minch comes in. They have a sponsorship program for these children so that their basic needs (food, clothing, education, medical care, etc) can be taken care of and they can stay with their family members. They also have a boys' home and a girls' home to care for children who have nowhere else to go.

Each Saturday they run a feeding program and feed over 200 children; they also have Bible classes and games for them.

S and I decided to sponsor two children through Yezelalem Minch. It is $30 a month, but provides so much for these children. After seeing poverty up close and personally, it is hard to justify having all the stuff we have. It's hard to justify going on expensive vacations, buying video games, eating 3 meals a day plus snacks.

When we mentioned to Birtukan that we wanted to sponsor two children, she was so excited! She hugged me and thanked me over and over again. But (and I'm trying to just be honest here) I didn't like it. It's such a very small thing that we can do. $60 a month? Not really that big of a deal. We wish we could do so very much more, and are working to be in a financial place where we can.

I think we're supposed to struggle with this. I don't think we're supposed to ever be satisfied with the fact that we have so much more than so many others in the world. When faced with children who live in abject poverty, who've lost their parents, who don't know if they're going to eat the next day, how can we not take action? How can we not struggle with this knowledge?

Anyway, back to this post instead of my sermon...

We went to Yezelalem Minch, which is quite close to the guest house. They told us about the ministry and what they are doing in the community, and then we met our sponsor children. A little girl who is 8 years old, and a boy who is 7. (For privacy reasons we won't be posting their pictures on the blog.) The little girl is living with a relative; her father has passed away and her mother is very ill. She had a very sad expression on her face the whole time we were there.

The little boy lost both parents and is also living with a relative. He is HIV positive, can't hear out of one ear, and one of his eyes doesn't work properly.

They were both so sweet, though it was difficult to really say what was on our hearts, since we couldn't speak their language. We met their caregivers, who were so happy to know that their children would be provided for each month. We were able to spend a bit of time with them, but then it was time to say good-bye.

Back at the guest house, we got ready to go out to a traditional cultural dinner at a restaurant. We weren't supposed to take the babies with us, and the guest house staff was planning to watch them. It was quite nerve-wracking for me to leave Nathan! I knew he'd be fine, and it would be good for him to see that we left, but we came back. But I still was uncomfortable with it.

But I got all of his things ready, fed him and put him in PJ's. All the staff would need to do was give him a bottle and put him to bed about an hour after we left. No biggie, right? That's what I kept telling myself, anyway!

I brought Nathan down in his pajamas; a short-sleeve shirt, pants, and socks. Very cute. But apparently not warm enough! In Ethiopian culture, it is very common to bundle up the babies very warmly. So Birtukan insisted that I bring a sweatshirt down for him! (I was wearing a cotton skirt, sandals, and a short sleeve shirt and was very comfortable, but she thought it was quite cold!) Anyway, I brought the sweatshirt down for him, and we left.

The cultural dinner was nice, though some of the food was rather... interesting. Did you know you can make a “cheese” out of the center of the trunk from a banana tree? Yeah, I didn't know either. But apparently you can.

There was also traditional Ethiopian dancing and singing. It was a nice time, but we were ready to get back to the guest house and get to bed!

Playing in our room

Coffee Ceremony

Dinner at the restaurant

Dancing at the restaurant

Ethiopia Journal, Day 6

2010-07-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia, Day 6

(The rest of the journal entries are coming soon... it's been quite the busy two weeks so far around here!)

Today was not overly interesting. We stopped at the market on our way to lunch at a restaurant. S bought a few things. We also were able to buy coffee, tea, and spices from people at the guest house this morning. Birtukan helps different groups in the community start a business and allows them to sell to guests at the guest house. It's a great way to get some souvenirs and also help people earn a living!

We had lunch at a nice restaurant before heading to the embassy. Cameras are not allowed at the embassy, so we don't have any pictures of this stop. But, we were granted a visa that allows N to enter the U.S.! Yay! That's the last “official” thing we need!

We went back to the guest house to relax, and spend the evening. It was a very nice day, but not very exciting to write about. We were able to get a few cute pics of N, though!

Trying to keep a whiny baby happy at the restaurant

Waiting in the back of the bus

Ethiopia Journal, Day 5

2010-07-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia, Day 5

Today is the day we pick up N!

We first headed to the Bethany office to fill out our forms for the embassy date and meet with the social worker and nurse. On the way, Abel received a very shocking phone call. He came over to us and said,

“Well, I have a surprise. Your birthmom has been found and will be at the Bethany office today!”

We were shocked! We had hoped to travel to meet N's birth mom, but the social workers were unable to locate her, so we didn't go. We were very disappointed, but resigned to the fact that we would not meet her. And now we find out she's already in the city to meet us!

We were so nervous. What do you say to the woman who gave birth to your son? Who cared for him for several months? Who obviously loves him?

What words are there to say thank you, but we're so very sorry for the circumstances that forced you to relinquish him for adoption?

After filling out our forms and meeting with the social worker, it was time.

We were brought out to the lawn surrounded by flowers and sat on small stools.

And then she came. We stood and hugged her, and tried to convey how much we love N through that hug.

We all sat down and the social worker asked us what questions we had. And my mind went blank. We were not expecting to meet her that day, and we found we didn't know what to say!

She asked about us and our family, and she told us her hopes and dreams for N, which include him having lots of toys and learning to play soccer. She said that when he grows up she hopes he will help other children like him.

We told her how much we already love him, and she also reaffirmed how much she loves him. (This boy is very loved!) She wants him to know of her love and that she just isn't able to care for him. (For privacy reasons, we won't go into the reasons she is unable to care for him, but suffice it to say it's poverty beyond what we can imagine, along with several other factors.)

It was such an emotional meeting, and yet none of us cried. (That came later for me... and then the tears wouldn't stop.) We promised to send pictures to her as soon as we are able, and we said goodbye.

I don't know if we will ever meet again, but our hearts are connected forever.

After that very emotional meeting, we went out to lunch. Thankfully my stomach was feeling much better, so I was able to eat a bit.

We then went to pick up our children!

We crammed ourselves into a room where there were some chairs set up. One of the workers brought in some more chairs, then a table, cake and a large knife.

The children from the orphanage filed in. Each child being adopted that day was brought in one at a time while the other children clapped in rhythm. Once the child was placed in his parent's arms, applause broke out! After the kids were all with their parents, the other children from the orphanage sang songs for us.

It was then time to cut the enormous cake! Each child had a turn to cut (with parent's help!). Everyone then enjoyed their cake and soda.

I gave N a few tiny bites and he wasn't too sure he liked it. He did really want my Coke, though! That of course did not happen—haha!

We all piled back into the van (it was much more full this time!) and drove to the guest house. N watched everything out his window. He didn't want to miss out on anything! I could tell he was getting tired, but hoped he would wait to fall asleep until we got there. He did.

Once we arrived we made a bottle for him. To our surprise, he seemed to know exactly what to do with it! (At his orphanage babies are fed with small cups rather than bottles.) He only drank about an ounce before he was asleep.

Is there anything better than holding a sleeping baby?!

After his nap we went down for dinner. We fed him another bottle, and this time he drank the entire thing! He then proceeded to spit up the entire thing—all over me, the chair, and the floor. He only got a little bit on himself, of course. (I think this officially makes me his mom?)

But after that he was such a happy guy! He played and laughed and we had so much fun. When he started to get cranky, we headed upstairs and Steve rocked him to sleep. He's now just as cute as a button fast asleep in his crib. I'd better get some sleep, too!

Daddy's Note:

We met your birth mother today. How shall I describe her? Very quiet, soft-spoken. (To us, at least.) She is short, a little shorter than your mom, with long hair wrapped into a bun.

We didn't know what to say to her, what to tell her, what to ask her. We were so nervous!

I think you weren't so sure of Mom and I when we first got you. You preferred to look around at whoever was loudest or moving the most. After your first nap was another story entirely! You were laughing with us, playing with us, and we finally heard you get loud! Dadadada!

After playing for a while, it was time for supper. Mom fed you first, then I got to. For some odd reason, Mom thought I might want to give you to her after she finished eating. Ha! As if I would want my turn holding you to be shortened, silly.

Some of the other parents thought it was only because we had just gotten you today. Ha! Just ask Mom, I like holding my boys. If 7 isn't too old for snuggling, then 8 months is certainly fair game! (By the way, A is 7 now, and I still don't ever really want to let go, though I am occasionally willing.)

I got to rock you to sleep tonight. It was marvelous!

Oh my son, you are so cute and I love you. So you know: Mom will say that you snore.

~Daddy

Waiting for the ceremony to begin...

The cake!

I think I remember this guy...

Hi, Mama!

I'll take some Coke, please.

Back to the guest house for my first bottle and a nap!

And now, bed.

Ethiopia Journal, Day 4

2010-07-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia, Day 4

This morning we went to an international evangelical church. The service was all in English, and very much like any American evangelical service. It was nice, but unfortunately one member of our group had her camera bag stolen during the service. We weren't able to find it, which was so upsetting for them as it had the pictures of their first meeting with their son on it.

After lunch we went to a golf club restaurant for lunch. Apparently it has the only golf course in Addis.

We came back to the guest house and there was a coffee ceremony happening for Birtukan and Nesibu. It was their 14th anniversary!

Ethiopian coffee ceremonies are all about spending time together with your friends and family. The coffee beans are roasted over a small fire while incense is burned. The coffee beans are ground and made into coffee. The first pot is very strong, the second less, and the third very mild. Served along with the coffee is lightly sweetened popcorn. While all of this is happening, everyone is visiting and enjoying being together. Even though I don't care for coffee, I enjoyed the coffee ceremonies!

While at the coffee ceremonies, we met Birtukan and Nesibu's four children who sang songs for us. It was adorable!

Afterwards I took a nap and then ended up sick to my stomach, so I stayed in bed for the rest of the evening.

Here's a picture of the ceremony set-up. You can see the coffee beans roasting, the incense burning, and the popcorn ready to be passed around.

This is Nesibu and Birtukan--two very hard workers who love the Lord and have a passion for caring for orphans.

Ethiopia Journal, Day 3

2010-07-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia, Day 3

I had a difficult time sleeping last night, which was very frustrating since I was quite tired. Over breakfast, Abel called and said we had left our camera in the van the night before. Oh my! I was so thankful we were able to get it back.

Breakfast was... interesting. It was tuna fish mixed with some sort of reddish sauce and some vegetables, and very spicy. I tried very hard to eat it—really, I did. But I only took a nibble and then ate a granola bar in my room later. I just couldn't do it.

We then went to Entoto, which is a mountain from which you can see much of the city. There were many donkeys running down the mountain with wood strapped to their back. We also saw several women carrying as much as the donkeys were.

When we stopped to get out, a little boy (maybe 9?) came right up to us and kept a very close eye on one lady who was getting a camera out of her purse. He was certainly hoping for some money! He followed us for a while...

We walked around a bit to see the beautiful mountain, then drove o the old palace and museum.

It cost 30 Birr for foreigners to enter (one USD = about 13 Birr). A guide took us around and explained all of the different items to us. It was very interesting, but because I was so tired, it was difficult to concentrate.

We then walked through the palace. It was very old and it was neat to see and learn more about Ethiopia's history.

We went to a restaurant for lunch that served a variety of things. The waitress recommended the pizza, so we all decided to try that. It was pretty good!

The afternoon was just for relaxing. I took a much-needed nap, and Steve and some others played cards.

Dinner was traditional Ethiopian food at the guest house—yum!

Bitrtukan told us more about the ministry Yezelalam Minch that she works with. I will write more on that later. Birtukan has amazing faith and it is so neat to hear about the work she and others are doing here. The church is quite involved in helping the poor and orphaned, which is also awesome to hear about.

The poverty here is absolutely devastating. Just everywhere, and it affects so many. Being here makes you want to do so much more than what you are already doing.

A common sight while driving around Addis: women roasting corn on the sidewalk and trying to make a living.

Views from the guest house:

The outside of the guest house:

Ethiopia Journal, Day 2

2010-07-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia, Day 2

We had breakfast at the guest house this morning—french toast, bananas, juice and coffee/tea. I don't usually like tea, but this was delicious! I must buy some to take home with us!

At 9:30 Abel (our guide) came to pick us up to go visit the orphanages. We went to N's first. We had to wait a little while so that the camera crew that does the lifebooks could get there. They wanted to film our first meeting with N!

It was almost like a dream. We had to take off our shoes, then climb the stairs to the baby room—the camera man filming us the whole time. We looked into the doorway and could see N on his hands and knees on a blanket on the floor, holding a toy.

We walked over to him and sat down next to him. I rubbed his back a little and then slowly picked him up. He didn't seem to be too scared or sad, but he was curious!

He like Steve's beard and my necklace. We just talked to him and played with him for quite some time. It was wonderful to be able to kiss his cheeks and run our hands through his beautiful curly hair!

There were 8 other babies in his room, all about the same age. The very young infants were in the room next door. N was definitely the most active of them all!

N did not want to let go of a toy once he had it—he has a very tight grip! He loved playing on the floor with toys and crawling around. He even crawled on the other babies! (None of them appreciated this!)

All the babies started to get just a bit fussy, and about 10 minutes later a big bowl of some sort of cereal was brought in. I held N on my lap and fed him. Part way through he became quite fussy, and then just fell asleep. They seem to have the babies on a pretty tight schedule! All of the others began to fall asleep one by one.

Holding my precious sleeping baby was amazing. So very sweet! After a while I passed him on to Steve, and then later he woke up pretty cranky. We're pretty sure he normally would have slept longer, but I guess we'll find out in a few days how long he usually sleeps...

It was difficult trying to care for N with the nannies watching. Due to the language barrier, we couldn't ask questions, and they couldn't give explanations. I kept questioning whether or not I was doing the right thing in the right way, but everyone seemed reasonable happy so we went with it.

Finally, it was time to leave. It was very difficult to go, but knowing we would come to get him on Monday made it much easier.

We went to lunch at a restaurant that served mostly Mexican food, and we met two more families who had just arrived that morning.

After lunch we went to the market. We were able to buy some things, including shirts for the boys and a pretty table cloth for our dining room.

Several boys followed us very closely the whole time, in the hopes that we would offer them something. After we got back in the van and were driving, more people came up to the van asking for hand-outs. We were wishing we could give them something, but also didn't want to have tons of people coming to the van—very, very difficult. (It's also illegal to give to beggars from vehicles in Addis.)

Back at the guest house we had fried chicken, vegetables, and rice for dinner. It was very good! I especially liked the rice. After dinner we were able to send an email to our family, which was so nice.

We all headed to bed quite early after a tiring day.

Daddy's Note:

We got to meet you and hold you today! Oh my, but you are an active boy! You wanted to stand, crawl, grab toys and see the rain.

Mom fed you, then she held you while I got to feed you. (rice cereal of some sort.) Then you fell asleep in Mom's arms. Ah, so cute! I got to hold you too, then a bad dream woke you.

But, that did give us a chance to hold and play with you more before we had to go. I so loved holding you watching the rain together. We'll have to do that on the porch at home.

Our first meeting:

The Orphanage (check out all the laundry--that's washed by hand!)

Ethiopia Journal, Day 1

2010-07-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

Whew. We are here. We left Michigan on Wednesday morning and had a 9 hour layover at the Dulles airport. We walked around, ate lunch and dinner together, read books and just talked. At 8pm we finally boarded the plane.

And stayed on that plane for 17 hours. 17 long hours.

But, we are here. More tomorrow, as I'm currently thoroughly exhausted.

Daddy's Note:

It is hard to sleep in an airplane, we barely got 3 hours sleep, and that was 15 minutes at a time!

Friday Morning

It's now 6:30am on Friday morning. It was so nice to be able to clean up and lay down in bed last night. Unfortunately, sleep did not come easily. There are many dogs in the area that bark and howl most of the night. They were loud!

Anyway, back to our trip. It was very cramped on the plane. Poor Steve is so tall that it was hard for him to get into a comfortable position. We did both manage to sleep some, but got nowhere near a full night's sleep.

There were two different mission groups on our flight. One group was headed to Zambia, another to Rwanda. They were all quite excited about their trips.

There were also other adoptive families from different agencies with us. They weren't too hard to spot—youngish married white couples with looks of hopefulness, excitement, and nerves. :)

We were served 3 meals on the plane, but none were very exciting or tasty (not a surprise). They were very carb-heavy. Thankfully, we didn't have any peanut issues for S who's allergic.

Once we arrived, we got off the plane with our new friends who are adopting a little boy through Bethany. He's somewhere around 6 years old. We got in line to receive our Visas. It was very confusing to figure out where exactly to go and what to do, but we thankfully did not have to wait long.

We then went to get our luggage. Oh my! Suitcases and people everywhere! After waiting a while, we finally found our 4 suitcases. We were relieved they had made it!

We then went through security and found Abel from our agency waiting for us. We loaded everything into a van and we were off! Abel was very friendly and told us about what our schedule would look like for the next week.

We were all very surprised to hear that although we would meet our children the next morning, they would not leave the orphanage until Monday.

There are some good reasons for this, but none of us were happy to hear it—especially since it was a surprise to all of us. We had waited so long! But in only a few days the children will be ours forever.

It was fascinating to watch the road as we drove down it. We found there are several reasons people honk their horns here, including:

to say “Hello”
to say “Watch out! Here I come!”
to say “Get out of my way!”

We came within inches of pedestrians and other cars multiple times. There were many different shops and produce stands along the road, and many people walking.

When we arrived at the guest house, several men carried our luggage in. We met Birtukan and Nesibu (the guest house owners). The fed us soup (delicious!), bread and mangos. It was very nice, but we were all so tired it was difficult to make polite conversation.

We were shown to our rooms and told that we should treat this as our home while we are here. They were very hospitable!

We began to unpack and realized that most of our luggage had gotten wet, so we spent quite a while getting organized and hanging up all of the wet clothes and things. Thankfully we had extra clothes in our carry-ons so we have something dry to put on!

Today (Friday) we are scheduled to go meet our child, have lunch at a restaurant, and then go shopping.

Hopefully we will have a great day—we can't wait to meet our baby!

Daddy's Note:

I slept very easily, but I always sleep easily. I still need to shave, I look like a wolfman. The bed is shorter than me, but so is everyone here.

We're waiting very patiently during our layover.

On our way!

Loading up the van.

Our room for the next 8 days.

Our wet clothes--hopefully they'll dry!

The sitting are outside our room at the guest house.

Worth Waiting For

2010-06-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

Leaving :)

2010-06-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

Yup, we're leaving next week!! We can hardly believe it. We're going to be busy the next few days getting all of the packing finished and a whole bunch of other last-minute things. Keep an eye on the blog; once we get back I'll be posting about our trip and pictures. (I can't wait to be able to post pictures of Little N!)

Thanks to everyone who is praying for us as we get ready for and take this huge trip. Prayers for health and safety and that the initial bonding goes well with N would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

~J

T-Shirts!

2010-06-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

Tonight we made some cute t-shirts for N's homecoming! They were super easy, but I think they're pretty cute. We used fabric spray paint and sprayed over a cut-out of Africa, then used a fabric marker to write the words. The first picture is the ones for our immediate family, and have the Amharic words for mother, father, and brother on them. The plain white ones are for our other family members (grandparents, aunts/uncles, whoever comes to the airport.) This was fun, and didn't cost very much either--we got the t-shirts for $2.50 each at Michael's!

Didn't you want a girl?

2010-06-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

I've heard this question or a variation on it several times since we received our referral of Little N. The truth of the matter is that when we first began the process, we wanted to request sibling girls. After discussion and prayer, we decided that we would be open to either gender, and accept whoever we were referred.

Once we realized that we would have to continue waiting for so much longer if we kept saying we only wanted siblings (as in, we would still be waiting for a referral now!) we decided to be open to only one child.

We were referred a healthy baby boy. :) It was totally not what we were expecting. We had been open to a toddler/preschool age child, and had also been open to many physical special needs. But S and I had talked much about the possibility of adopting an infant for our next adoption, because we both wanted to "do the baby thing" at least one more time. I guess we're doing it now!

We're so excited to bring N home, we really can hardly wait! Little boys are so much fun--cars and trucks, light sabers, sound effects, lots of jumping and running, and lots of dirt! What could be more fun? While we also would have been excited about a girl, I don't think we could possibly be more excited than we are now.

We're very open at this point to God's leading as to when we should adopt again, and where from. We have no definite answers right now, but we have some time to decide. We will most likely be adopting a slightly older child/ren our next time around, but like I said---we'll see. It may be a girl, boy, or sibling group. Who knows where God will lead? (Well, of course God does. But as much as I've requested some e-mails or writing in the sky from him about his detailed plans, he hasn't done so. I guess he wants me to have more faith or trust or something. Yeah, I'm working on that!)

Keep watching the blog; once we are home I will be posting pictures from our trip and of N, as well as journaling about our trip. Thanks for reading!

~J

Attachment---What will it look like once our child is home??

2010-06-04T06:32:00.000-07:00

We have been so very blessed to have such supportive family members. Our parents have all been excited with us about our adoption, have helped out where possible, and understand that this isn't going to be just like bringing home a newborn from the hospital.

Unfortunately, we will be Little N's 4th home. Yes, in 8 short months he's lived in 3 other places. So far, all of his caregivers have come and gone... and the one he knew the best--his mom, never came back.

Regardless of the reason a child is placed in an orphanage (and most times, there is no other option!) a child can't understand what is going on. Babies and toddlers especially don't know why they're in an orphanage or that this new mommy and daddy they've never seen before are here to stay. (And while older children may understand that this is what everybody says---they don't necessarily believe it.)

N isn't going to meet us and think "Oh cool, I get to go home with two strange white people!" ;)

Because of his previous losses, and because he's got no real idea that we're his mom and dad and we'll always take care of him, our parenting is going to have to be different this time around.

While friends and family may want to hold him, we are not going to be allowing that right away. And when he is ready for others to be holding him, it will have to start very slowly--grandmas first, then other family, then other close friends, etc. And not for long periods of time.

We will be the ones to feed N. He needs to learn that we will provide for his needs, and that we're his primary caregivers--his mom and dad.

We'll be spending a lot of time holding him, rocking him, giving him bottles, etc.

While this may seem a little strange or a bit of overkill to others, I can assure you it's only being done for N's well-being. And our social worker has given us permission to blame her if others don't understand why they can't hold him right away. :) (For real, she did!)

I am so thankful for our friends and family who've supported us so much thus far. And I ask that you be patient with us for a while longer as we learn to be parents to N, and as he learns to love and trust us.

A good (and short) article that can give some more ideas on "Do's and Don'ts" for family and friends is here.

Another thing to remember is that we are completely fine with answering questions and explaining things for those who are genuinely interested. If you're confused about what we're doing and why, feel free to ask. And if you want to know more about adoption, it's one of our favorite subjects, so feel free to ask about that, too!

~J

June 22 Embassy Date??

2010-05-31T18:03:00.000-07:00

It's looking very likely that our embassy date will be June 22 (we will be in Ethiopia for the embassy date). We need N's birth certificate and passport before an embassy date will be set. Some things you can pray for:

1) That all the paperwork will go through quickly and with no complications

2) That we will be ready ;)

3) That we'll be able to get plane tickets without 10 layovers (ok yes, I'm exaggerating a bit...)

4) That S will not have a bad reaction to peanuts on the trip (he has a non-allergic reaction to even just the smell of peanuts--and it's a very severe reaction)

5) That N will be healthy and will begin adjusting/attaching to us

6) That we will all survive the trip home with our sanity somewhat intact

7) That we will stay healthy while we're gone

8) That our 5 year old son D will not act out due to the changes to our family (he doesn't generally react well to change)

We so appreciate the prayers our friends and family have said on our behalf. It is truly such a blessing to have the support of so many. Thank you!

I will update the blog as I'm able to, but probably will not update while we're gone. I plan to journal on our trip though and post entries and pictures once we return! :)

Freaking Out

2010-05-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

Today I had a bit of a freak-out moment. I realized that it's very likely we'll be in Ethiopia in a month (though it could still be a bit longer). That didn't sound so bad until I realized it could very easily be 4 weeks or less. Yeah, 4 weeks. That sounds like really soon!! Yikes! I'm going to take a trip to Ethiopia! And stay there for a week or so! And bring home a baby I don't really know! Yikes yikes yikes!!!!

Thankfully I have a few friends and family members who were willing to tell me to stop freaking out. And my mom offered to come for a couple of days to help me get ready (trying to clean the house really well, be fully caught up on things like laundry, and have extra easy-to-prepare food in the pantry. I also need to write down a bunch of info for my mother-in-law who will be watching the kids, buy a few more things and... pack.

So to help me feel less freaked-out today, I thoroughly cleaned out the fridge, freezer, and chest freezer. I also cleaned and organized all the kitchen cabinets and drawers. Tonight I'm going to make a big grocery shopping trip and hopefully also finish cleaning the pantry. And I started setting aside which baby clothes and such I'll be taking with us.

I think I'm officially "nesting" now. ;)

This Saturday is my baby shower, and I'm super excited!!!

Emotions

2010-05-18T05:50:00.000-07:00

I think this whole process of adopting has been one of the most emotional times of my life---both emotional "highs" and "lows".

There was the freaking out over mounds and mounds of paperwork at the beginning, the being so happy that the paperwork was finally finished and sent, being down that now we have to wait who-knows-how-long until a referral, getting a referral, being sad about our child's story and the reasons he needs to be adopted, freaking out because we now have to travel twice, oh wait--no, we don't, waiting for a court date, waiting to hear whether we passed court, passing court, still waiting, getting more pics, still waiting.

It's a lot of "hurry up and wait"! Last night it hit me again (it does that once in a while) as I looked at our little guy's picture. He's such a cutie, he seems to be very healthy and is being well-cared-for where he is right now. But it's so hard that he's there and we're here. And there's nothing we can do at this point to make it go faster.

But the good news is that it's coming! I'm sure the time will come before we know it, and in the meantime we're working to get a bunch of little house projects done, some extra baking, extra cleaning, etc. We can't wait to travel to pick him up and bring him home. :)

~J

Back to Blogging

2010-05-16T12:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm going to try this blogging thing again. :) We are so excited about our referral for a beautiful little boy who is currently 7 months old. We have gone through the court process, so now it is just a matter of time before we can travel to bring him home!! We are hoping to travel sometime in June, but with international adoption nothing is a definite, so we'll have to wait and see.

I will be posting about some of the things we're doing to prepare for Little N's homecoming, as well as posting about our trip and how the adjustment process is going once we're home.

Thanks for reading!

~J

No News

2009-11-30T17:23:00.001-08:00

Just thought you all might like to know there is no news regarding our adoption process. :)

A (7yo) did tell us last night that he hopes we don't adopt again after this, because the wait is too long. Hmm. That was interesting, and I didn't have much of a response other than to think we probably won't tell them very early in the process next time! LOL.

And D (5yo) decided he's not going to have imaginary kids (boys) anymore, he's going to have imaginary brothers. Apparently his imaginary wife really liked to adopt kids, since every time he talked about her she was off in another country adopting a few more. He'd stay home with the 70 they already had.

Gotta love my kids. :)

We're praying and trusting for a referral in God's time!

~J

Why Ethiopia?

2009-11-10T07:58:00.000-08:00

We're asked this question on a very regular basis. “Why in the world would you want to go all the way to Ethiopia to adopt a child?” Another one is, “Aren't there children available for adoption in the US?”

Of course, there are many, many children available in the US for adoption. There are, however, 143 million orphans worldwide. And there's no way that our family can save or even help all of them. We can though, love and cherish several, and hopefully in the future we can financially sponsor several more.

Our family decided to adopt from Ethiopia because that's where God led us—it's as plain and simple as that. To the non-Christian, this probably doesn't make much sense. And even to some Christians it doesn't make much sense. But we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Ethiopia is where God wants us to go. It doesn't make much practical sense, perhaps. I mean, it's less expensive to adopt domestically. Many times a domestic adoption is even faster. But we know that God has children in Ethiopia that he wants in our family.

After all, God has adopted us as his children:

Romans 8:15-17
“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”

Wait a minute—we are God's children?! We are co-heirs with Christ! God has taken us into his family, though we did absolutely nothing to deserve it. It's not because we're special, or because we've done something really good. It's because he loves us. It's as simple as that. How can I receive that love and not reciprocate by loving others? How can I be a part of God's family, without being willing to bring “the least of these” into mine?

Matthew 25:34-40
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Whatever I do for the least of God's people, I do for Jesus. Notice that Jesus did not say “Whatever you do for the people in your country” or “Whatever you do for the people around you, as long as it's practical” or even “Whatever you do for the least of these, as long as it doesn't cost too much.” No, God says to love and care for the least of his people. I have to believe that includes caring for the child whose parents have both died of AIDS, who has no family left, who is starving.

Why anyone would argue about whether or not that's a good idea is beyond me. I'm obviously in no way perfect, nor have I followed Jesus' command like I could have. But I can only move forward and ask that God would use me, imperfect though I am.

What can I take with me into heaven? Only the people whose lives I have touched. What better way to touch someone's life than to bring them into your family, to care for them when no one else can, to love them.

If someone's offended because I'm not adopting an American child, so be it. I don't think God cares too much about the boundary lines we like to draw on his land. It's all his. All the people are his. It's our job to love them.

I Just Wanna Be A Sheep

2009-10-26T18:55:00.000-07:00

"The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice."
John 10:2-5

We are called to be sheep, to recognize our Shepherd's (God's) voice, and to follow Him. We must trust Him to lead and guide us along the right path.

One of my favorite children's songs goes like this:

Just Wanna Be A Sheep

Chorus
I just wanna be a sheep
Baa, baa, baa, baa
I just wanna be a sheep
Baa, baa, baa, baa
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
I just wanna be a sheep
Baa, baa, baa, baa,

Verse 1
Don't wanna be a goat…nope
Don't wanna be a goat…nope
Haven't got any hope…nope
Don't wanna be a goat…nope

Verse 2
Don't wanna be a hypocrite
Don't wanna be a hypocrite
'Cause they're not hip to it
Don't wanna be a hypocrite

Verse 3
Don't wanna be a Pharisee
Don't wanna be a Pharisee
'Cause they're not fair you see
Don't wanna be a Pharisee

Verse 4
Don't wanna be a Sadducee
Don't wanna be a Sadducee
'Cause they're so sad you see
Don't wanna be a Sadducee

Verse 5
Just wanna be a child of God
Just wanna be a child of God
Walkin' the same path He trod
Just wanna be a child of God

I don't want to be a goat, I don't want to be a hypocrite, a http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+23:13&version=NIV, or a Saducee. I just want to be a child of God. Walking the same path He trod.

It's a never-ending struggle: will I truly follow what God has for my life? Do I really want to be like Jesus? After all, Jesus was crucified for what He said and did while on earth. Lord, use me to accomplish Your will. Give me faith in You. Let me be your child.